Authenticity [Part 2] - Expressing Our Multiple Selves
This blog is a continuation of the Art of Authenticity Part 1.
Chairing a meeting with my parts!
The Layers of Our Authentic Selves
On the final day of Nowhere in 2023, a Burner event in the Spanish desert, a friend remarked that he thought he knew me, but was surprised to have discovered there were many more layers to me. Nowhere had provided a space where more layers of my authentic self could be uncovered or created.
It’s the kind of space where you realise that you aren’t just one singular self.
Burning Man and Burner events are brilliant canvases for being able to ask this question ‘who are these authentic selves’? At Burner events things happen; the kind of things that are not necessarily known beforehand. The ethos of Burning Man is to be an active participant and creator and not a consumer, and also to value immediacy - the present moment here now - over plans. So whilst they may be planned workshops to attend, a lot of what happens is unscheduled and emergent. They are a place where you get to play a role that you might not have expected you’d enjoy.
With this lack of structure, it helps to start this kind of an experience with an intention that helps one focus your thoughts, emotions, and actions toward a particular purpose or vision, or a specific desired intention. When I was at Nowhere, no clear intentions came to mind. In fact, I noticed that for some reason I felt some stress and resistance to choosing something.
What I wanted or desired was no-thing. To let go of things.
And that became my intention.
To be no-one at Nowhere.
It had a humorous ring to it.
But more importantly it came with a fresh feeling. A sense of relief. A sense of excitement.
I could find and unleash all the possible forms I could be.
I did not need to know who I was or what I might do, but instead I got to find out by staying attuned to how I actually feel in the moment and use that as a map to guide me.
And I think that this is at the heart of what I think about when I think of authenticity.
It is not some state of character that is always consistently who we are. But instead we are a rich tapestry of parts of ourselves that are forever arising in response to our environment. We get to uncover parts of ourselves and their desires, feelings, thoughts and needs in our present-based feelings of aliveness.
These may be parts that we know well and sometimes blend with us so much that we think we are them. For me that might be my planner part, that is always scheming about the future and creating multiple contingencies, or the part that likes to get stuff done and be productive because that gives me a sense of value in the world, and protects me from the feeling of nothingness.
There are also parts that we don’t know well. Quiet parts perhaps that are shy and haven’t felt like there is space for them to show themselves and play. This might be because other parts are concerned that if we give these other parts space that they will take over more, and that will hurt us in the long run. For instance, there might be a part of us that likes dressing up as the opposite sex or in a provocative way, or parts that actually want us to get more attention. Or the opposite, to be invisible.
This way of seeing ourselves as not one singular self but as a complex system of many different parts of ourselves stems from a modality called Internal Family Systems, which has been paradigm shifting not just for me but for many others I know - friends and clients alike. When we are in inner conflict, it is because two or more parts of us want different things. When we reactively respond to someone or something, it’s usually a part of ourselves being activated and attempting to run the ship.
We Are a City
Seeing ourselves as a complex system of parts opens up the possibility for greater self-expression and expansion.
When I attended Burning Man (the original Burner event) back in 2019, I came back with a long list of reflections (shared here) about how the space allowed me to experiment, commit to the moment and to uncover novel parts of myself. Here I discovered my love for dressing up. The vibrant dangly earrings I frequently wear entered into my life because of Burning Man. Here is an excerpt from my reflections that taps into this idea of expansion of self:
‘The playa is a social experiment. A space to forget the long-term and instead, be in the moment, notice curiosity to follow a certain direction, without having to take on the commitment or heaviness of the future or 'forever'. When you let go of the future, you became free to play in the now. To explore, to lean into desire and to reinvent oneself.’
Georgie loves to dress up. I re-discovered the child in me that loved to express myself through dress, colour, and vibrant accessories. Wearing the mundane clothes of the default world brought on feelings of normality, of fitting in and of being invisible. I wore' the clothes I was made to wear' (thanks Joshua), every day. Self-care and self-love, it turns out, begin with what you put on your body.
Self-love is also knowing who you are, and owning the compliments given. Every day I would receive beautiful words about my smile, my energy, my presence or, in conversation, my questions, my silence and my mind. I realised I quite like myself. Dare I say it, I love myself when I am me. But I am not just one thing. I am not masculine or feminine. I am strong and I am soft. I can lead and I can follow. I speak and feel through both my mind and my body. It is all there, even the parts I am ashamed of and have disowned. They are also all me, waiting to be acknowledged and loved.
Everyone had a beautiful aura when they confidently self-express their true full selves.”
When I reflect on my experience at Burning Man in 2019 and Nowhere in 2023, I feel into the expansive vastness that is our (multiple) selves.
I love Sarah’s Ness (from Authentic Revolution)’s description of ourselves as a huge city with ‘many entrances’, that you could spend years exploring because it changes so often. She captures well the challenge of talking about our city - who we are - because there is just so much.
‘People ask you about the city in which you live. You’re not sure what to say. What part of the city do you tell them about? How can they expect you to sum up your authenti-city in just a few words?”
And this is where the challenge of authenticity often comes into play.
There is so much alive in us at any given time - sensations, thoughts, feelings - that it is hard to know what to express in a way that meaningfully captures it all.
So I don’t think that capturing it all is what authenticity is about. But more, choosing to reveal more of ourselves with others, in a way that honours both what is real for us in that moment whilst staying in connection.
According to Sarah, this is a 3-step process: Awareness, Acceptance and Expression.
Authentic awareness is seeing more of what’s already here.
So zooming out to see that we are multiple parts with different needs, values and desires.
Authentic acceptance is letting what’s here exist without shame
Recognising that we might not like all our parts, they are there to help us and need to be included. E.g. our angry parts, that are there to protect us and enable us to take action. When you shame yourself for having these parts, they tend to double-down and sabotage us. What they really need is love.
Authentic expression is naming what you see, and choosing which parts of self to express based on who you want to be.
She suggests using your values to guide you. This helps others understand who you are and what to expect from you.
What I like about this process is that it separates the acknowledgement and appreciation of many different parts of ourselves from the expression. We experience emotions, thoughts and feelings without choice - they are unbidden and just happen. But we get to choose how we express ourselves to others.
Authenticity is staying true to what is here right now, what you are feeling and thinking, and choosing to reveal from this place, but it is also recognizing that sometimes we prefer some parts to others and so others will get to see a very narrow view of who you are.
I think we all know the overly happy and joyful personalities, who never show any other emotion. It is hard to build intimacy in these relationships because there is also a sense that there is more that you’re not being trusted to see, which in turn makes it harder for us to be vulnerable ourselves. Plus, it makes for a pretty boring or one-dimensional experience of people and relationships. You miss out on all the richness and colourful sides of people and life that make it interesting.
Becoming More Authentic in Conversations
So, how can we apply this to the way we show up in our connections and conversations?
1) BE OPEN TO DISCOVERY OF PARTS OF YOURSELF
Firstly, and allow yourself to discover more of who you are. Seek out new novel experiences and be more open to what might arise in you.
2) BUILD A RELATIONSHIPS WITH THESE PARTS OF SELF
Secondly, be kind to the parts of yourselves that are here. Get to know them and build a relationship with them through Internal Family Systems.
3) REVEAL HIDDEN PARTS OF SELVES
Thirdly, experiment which parts of yourself you reveal in conversation. Be willing to break your normal patterns and scripts and share what is actually alive for you right now, not what you think someone wants or expects to hear.
Good luck!