What is Authenticity - Part 1
Exploring my authenticity through fancy-dress at a community summit in 2024
‘Cornering the Market in Being Yourself’
My friend Joshua Keay recently told me that I was a “master of the Georgie arts’‘ — the kind of cryptic compliment which he specialises in. When I asked what he meant, he explained that I had achieved a level of uniqueness in who I was, and I didn’t pretend to be anyone else. He said that ‘when you’re truly yourself, people keep showing up for more — they get addicted to your unique insights and ways of being, and you’ve got a monopoly on the supply”. At first, I didn’t necessarily see it as a strength, but when I reflect on the people in my life, I notice that I am most drawn to those who are fundamentally themselves. Genuine-ness, authenticity, uniqueness, realness - call it what you will - is attractive. And not just attractive, I also believe it is one of the most essential ingredients for meaningful lives and meaningful conversations. When we are truly authentic, we tap into the essential truth of life: that every moment of our lives has a unique expression.
No moment is the same. Every moment is part of a creative process, a creative unfolding of the present moment. Full of aliveness. Fresh and dynamic. Playful. Exciting.
When we lean into this, we feel free. Energised. Expansive. Awake.
Years ago when I first started creating gatherings for deep meaningful conversations at Trigger, I asked my original team of co-facilitators why they felt passionate about them. I remember Matteo’s response well because it hit at this very idea:
“[They are] a breath of fresh air, of connection, a respite from the stale superficiality and repetition of everyday casual interactions. Allowing me to express all colours of my personality in a mind-expanding space.”
There is no ceiling when every moment is fresh, dynamic and full of colour.
Meaningful conversations don’t tolerate repetitive or superficiality - they require us to tap into what is actually true for us now and to express this as a creative act.
This means saying things you actually mean.
And doing things you actually want to do.
This makes a lot of sense, and yet we often don’t say what we mean or do what we actually want to do.
Holding back from Authenticity in Conversations
In conversation, I think we hold back from being our authentic selves sometimes. We say scripted things that aren’t true (e.g. in response to ‘How are you?’ or how we feel about our work), we hide away the parts of ourselves that are wonderfully weird (and actually make us interesting), and agree to doing things we don’t actually want to do (in the name of being helpful), and accept unsatisfactory options presented (without seeing is there are other available).
And what happens as a result of these behaviours? We get bored repeating ourselves, learn nothing real or new, and struggle to truly connect with each other. And this also has a much larger effect because all small moments create cultural ripples. Through modelling authenticity we reinforce a belief to ourselves and others that it is not okay to be ourselves. We want to be unique but really we fear standing out of the crowd too much, or being seen as too over-absorbed, selfish, disrespectful. We let our fear of not being accepted, not connecting or belonging fuel our behaviour. Which, ironically, leads to disconnection. Because people smell inauthenticity miles away.
It’s important to acknowledge that these challenges are real. Being authentic is in service of connection to others as well as connection to yourself, but if you are ignoring the context you find yourself in then you're likely to alienate yourself.
I’m sure we all have experienced cringe moments when someone is completely on their own planet, unaware of the impact they are having in the room.
This is what makes authenticity in art. It is all about attunement. Experimenting with how to express yourself whilst reading the room. Not letting yourself fall into inauthenticity, nor becoming completely over-individualistic, the shadow sides.
Shadow Sides and the Impact of Inauthenticity
When I started to break down authenticity, I realised that there are actually a number of ways this shows up - from being honest, to being curious and self-aware - and each has its own shadows. You might think that holding back from being too authentic is safe, but actually it can lead to loss of connection to self and others, loss of freedom, creativity, innovation, opportunities, burnout and an identity crisis.
I’ve broken these down in the table below with associated behaviours.
As you can see, both ends of the range don’t lead to great outcomes. But the question is…. How do we become more authentic?
Becoming More Authentic
It’s definitely an art, not a science. And there is a lot more to say on this, which I will save for part 2 of this blog which links to the challenge of our fluid, expansive identities.
Until then, here are 4 starter ways to bring more authenticity to your conversations.
Answer scripted questions honestly
When you answer questions like ‘how are you?’ with insincere short answers like ‘great’ you are not only lying to yourself, you are making your conversation do the hard work of coming up with a new question because you didn’t give them anything they can build on, connect with or ask you more about. I’m not suggesting you share your life story here, but a few words that actually make others curious and wanting to connect with you. For example:
‘I’m feeling great, and excited about X’
‘7.5/10’
‘Curious about… Y’
‘A little underslept, but still able to operate a conversation, machinery!’
‘Pretty nourished as I have just been for a walk in nature’
‘I’m having a get-stuff-done day so full of dopamine’
2. Reveal more about your present-based inner world - feelings, sensations and half-baked thoughts
A lot of conversation tends to be focused on the past or the future - what experiences we have had, or want to - and very little on the actual present moment. Which happens to be rich, and full of feelings and thoughts. When we share what is actually alive for us and happening now, we connect to a never-ending current of fresh things to say (so you will never run out). Connecting back to authenticity, sharing what is alive for us right now helps us tune into our truths - our real and thoughts and feelings - which are helping us connect to the world around us. Feelings are incredible signals if we learn to interpret them, and can lead us closer to choosing a life we love, as well as coming to a deeper acceptance of the struggles we face. Through sharing our feelings we also allow others to connect with us; as emotional creatures we can feel each others’ feelings. The present moment is also full of new and half-baked thoughts that become transformed through the act of conversation. They gain a new reality then they are out of our heads, and sharing them aloud also allows us access to others’ experiences, perspective and half-baked ideas. Together, shaping them into richer perspectives and sharper ideas.
You can share feelings (yours or others), for example:
‘I’m feeling so excited to see you right now. It has been a long time!’
‘It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed because it really mattered to you’
‘I have a strong desire to climb a mountain range at the moment’
You can share thoughts, for example:
‘I’m curious about …’
‘Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about’
‘I have a new idea…’
‘I’m having current thoughts about’
‘That makes me think about’..
3. Stop introducing yourself by your labels, and start sharing experiences and dreams
Many countries still have a culture of asking you ‘what do you do’ or ‘where are you from’ as an opening question. I don’t think its a great opener (for many reasons) but if you are asked it, don’t bury yourself in a hole by replying with your job title label. No one really understands what it actually means or looks like and they will just feel the need to stereotype in order to connect. You can choose the narrative you want others to have of you by actually choosing to share more interesting information about who you are. This can look like sharing more information about what actions you do, your values or why you do it. It can also mean sharing what you care about outside of your work. You can also talk about your desires for work or where to move to. For example:
‘Right now, in addition to managing a project on X, I’m loving learning about XYZ’
‘I live in Z, and have for a few years, but would love to move to X so I can get everyday access to the mountains for hiking and skiing’
‘Well today I practised my conflict management skills, and yesterday I was learning about how to use AI to automate everyday processes like Y.’
‘I really enjoy caring for people and learning about X, which I do a lot for a Y company.’
‘By day, I save people from X, and by night I’m building a project that will help people do Y’
4. Get curious about others without losing yourself
Authenticity isn’t just about expressing who you are in isolation from others, because we aren’t isolated at all. Getting curious about others enables us to see how vast the ever-changing world really is, in terms of the range of ideas and experiences. For me, curiosity best shows up in follow-up questions, because we acknowledge that whatever has just been shared with us previously is not the whole story. We are showing ourselves to be humble, interested and open to discovery of another person when we show up with curiosity. And not only does it mean you are forever learning, it also makes people like you a lot more! So, ask follow-up questions that dig more deeply into someone’s experience rather than asking for more facts. For example:
‘What made you want to do that?
‘What was that like?
“What is important to you about that?
Good luck in your quest to become a little more authentic. And if you’ve worried about becoming ‘too’ authentic, then just ask yourself this question and experiment with the answer that arises.
‘What would a 1% more authentic version of me look like right now?